Marriage Counseling
Relationship Therapy
Marriage counseling and relationship therapy have long been associated with failing relationships and desperate attempts to salvage marriages. And while in some instances couples enter therapy as a “last resort,” I seek to eliminate the stigma and reframe therapy as a highly practical exercise that most relationships can benefit from.
What can I Expect in Marital or Relationship Counseling?
Clients who come to me can first and foremost expect to be welcomed and accepted as both couples and individuals, whether gay, straight, trans, or questioning; regardless of orientation, race, or ethnicity.
A key component to my approach, and any effective approach to relationship counseling in my experience, is to establish the relationship as the primary objective, the consideration to be valued above any individual needs. Often, couples come to therapy focused on being right and winning arguments with their partner. This is problematic on two levels:
Conflict rarely results in one clear “winner” over the other, and the satisfaction craved by winning an argument is rarely achieved; and
A focus on being right tends to leave couples isolated from each other and resenting the other person, further damaging the relationship.
An apt metaphor is the basketball player who hogs the ball, pads his stats, and doesn’t pass to his teammates. The team usually suffers and the teammates grow frustrated and lose respect for that player, fostering mistrust and toxicity in the team culture. On the other hand, partners who “share the ball” tend to consider each other’s needs and the needs of the relationship with a “same team” mindset, and are typically characterized by trust, honesty, and harmony. This is not to suggest that things are perfect for these couples or that problems never arise, but that they strive to resolve conflict with compassion and respect for each other, paving the way for continued growth together.
What type of marriage counseling is effective?
The most effective marriage counseling in my experience is therapy that establishes clear treatment goals in open collaboration with the couple, that uses evidence-based practices, and where the couple practices identified techniques and exercises in their lives on a consistent, regular basis. Oftentimes couples come with unrealistic expectations that therapy will “fix” their relationship (or worse that it will “fix” their partner). They place too much emphasis on the therapy session itself.
While the sessions are very important, they do no good if the couple reverts to unconstructive behaviors at home and fails to work on new approaches. I think of the therapy session as the time to draw together a map to where they want to go. The time between sessions is when the couple engages in the critical work of following the map, walking the path toward their relationship goals and values.
Regarding evidence-based treatment, renowned clinicians John and Julie Gottman have conducted decades of thorough, instructive research to develop their “Gottman Method”. This method has been effective in my experience and includes nine components of healthy relationships:
Build love maps (know one another’s world)
Share fondness and admiration
Turn towards instead of away (from each other)
Positive perspective
Manage conflict (accept partner’s influence, dialogue about problems, practice self-soothing)
Make life dreams come true
Create shared meaning
Trust
Commitment
(Copyright by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, 2000-2011; Distributed by the Gottman Institute; retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method (1)).
“Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.”
When should I seek marriage counseling?
In my experience, marriage or relationship counseling should be sought when both members are committed to making the relationship work and informal methods alone are proving inadequate or insufficient. To put it bluntly, if the relationship matters to both of you, and what you’re doing isn’t working, it may be time for professional help.
Typically when shared values are present, the foundation for a life-giving relationship is there. Values are large ideas such as trust, love, intimacy, mutual respect, collaboration, and most people typically share these values with their partner (Russ Harris, ACT with Love, 2009 (3). The problem more often resides in different approaches to achieving values, and this can be resolved in therapy.
When should I end the relationship?
Partners occasionally have radically different or highly conflicting fundamental values. In these cases, progress can be difficult or even impossible. (Think of maps leading to different destinations. How can two people in the same car drive in opposite directions at the same time?) And of course relationships should be ended in cases of abuse that are accompanied by failure to stop the abusive behavior, an unwillingness to admit fault, a lack of commitment to rehabilitation, or failure to immediately participate in rehabilitative treatment.
In closing, I welcome the privilege of working with those who are interested in more fully experiencing the life-giving joys of a loving, committed relationship.