Interpersonal and Social Skill-Building
Interpersonal or social skills may be defined as the ability to meet one’s personal needs while maintaining relationships. You’re not alone if this sounds like a rough sea to navigate. Many have struggled to stay afloat on these choppy waters, and it’s why therapy with a skilled, experienced clinician can prove highly beneficial.
What are interpersonal effectiveness skills?
Interpersonal skills are described by Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) creator Marsha Linehan as helping clients “decrease pain and suffering by effectively interacting with their social environment both to elicit changes in others and to resist unwanted influence from others” (Linehan, 2015, DBT Skills Training Manual, p. 27 (1). Being DBT trained with experience providing formal DBT therapy and skills training, I have witnessed firsthand the importance of building these skills. And while my outpatient clients today do not typically require intensive DBT treatment, I believe that interpersonal effectiveness skills can benefit just about anyone.
Many can relate to the notion of wanting or even needing people to like them. Many go out of their way to accommodate others for fear of embarrassment or experiencing unwanted emotions or social consequences. The cognitive-behavioral approach that I apply involves looking at the most probable outcomes and decatastrophizing, while implementing aspects of DBT that stress the importance of self-respect. If we are always accommodating others, how can they meet their own needs? Further, without clearly articulating our needs, others are left to guess what we want. This often leaves them confused and us frustrated when they are unable to guess correctly.
On the flip side, some people (and sometimes the same person who tends to be passive most of the time) vacillate between passive and aggressive behavior, while skipping the more effective middle ground. Assertive communication, the gold standard in social skills effectiveness, involves clearly and directly asking for what you want without intimidating or verbally attacking another person and risking harm to the relationship or ability to meet identified needs.
It is said that passive communication involves valuing the other person above yourself, while aggressive is putting yourself above the other at their expense. Assertive communication, conversely, is characterized by respecting yourself and the other person equally. While assertiveness does not guarantee results, it increases the probability of strengthening relationships and achieving desired objectives, because the other person knows where you stand.
“Many times, passivity is a function of inadequate knowledge and/or skills.”
How do you develop interpersonal skills?
Interpersonal skills are developed through practice. Through repetition, people become desensitized to interacting with others and asking for what they need. This, coupled with cognitive restructuring and emotional regulation skills, allows the person to develop skills over time, recognizing that nobody is perfect at assertive communication and a lack of “perfection” seldom yields a disastrous outcome.
What are some of the key DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills?
Key DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills include:
FAST skill (maintaining self-respect)
GIVE skill (maintaining relationships)
DEAR MAN (objectives effectiveness)
Mindfulness of Others (awareness of others’ needs)
Walking the Middle Path (balancing acceptance and change)
Validation (validating others)
Self-Validation (validating yourself)
(Linehan, 2015, DBT Skills Training Manual: Handouts (3)
Above all else, I find it helpful for my clients to practice patience and apply a non-judgmental approach toward themselves and others. It takes time and practice to develop interpersonal skills, but most find it is well worth the effort. If you are ready to take this step with the guidance of an experienced hand, I welcome the opportunity to work with you.